Thursday, June 30, 2011

Let the Tears Flow

I like to think I have a big heart.  That is not meant to be a cocky statement by all means, but it just shows how quickly and easily that precious face above just melts my big heart.  I had a very dificult time today.  Work was a little tough, very busy (which is good) but on top of my very busy day I had some things in the back of my mind the whole time.  When am I going to get my mountain of laundry done?  I knew I needed to go home on my break and do the dishes that I swear I just did.  But with all that I couldn't get the most powering thought out of my mind long enough to focus.  My sweet Carter love cried for me this morning.  I couldn't hold him, I couldn't love on him or hug him and tell him it would be ok.  I had to just keep walking and keep thinking how much this SUCKS!  The hubby and I have sacrificed a lot to be where we are and me working is just something I know I have and need to do.  (I want to clarify something real quick.  I don't want people to think, because I work that we don't sacrifice because we do.)  My heart broke into a billion pieces.  I would much rather have spit all over me, food in my hair, "stuck" in the house all day.  I can handle the mountain of laundry and forever pilling dishes but I can't handle his cries beacause mommy has to leave him for 9hrs.  I feel like he is going to forget me.  I know that isn't true but it does cross my mind.  I wonder if he will resent because I can't be there for him when he has his summers off from school?  Goodness, I know this is where the "living in the moment" takes place and I do but this is what takes place in my mind when I'm alone.  It's just a inner struggle that I know I will be able to conquer one day.  The Lord knows my heart... 
To make up for my lost time during the day, I try my hardest to make sure that our time we do have together is extra extra sweet!  I'm looking forward to this weekend.  I get a extra day with my hubby and baby boy and it's Carters first 4th of July...I just know it's going to be FAN-TAB-ULOUS!  We have lots of fun things to do...we LOVE our Murfreesboro! Happy 4th!    

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